Monologue-ing Chris

對，這篇格是貼些書摘，不是教各位怎麼使用現在台灣炒／吵得沸沸揚揚（請注意不是沸沸湯湯，湯會沸沒錯，但這成語意指議論紛紛，水滸傳出來的）的消費券，也不是平安文化翻譯錯誤（誤，其實是為了市場翻譯的，真委屈）的「黃金人生的入場券」，而就是「Life's Golden Ticket」的部分原文繕打。一向討厭 self-help books 的我，那些心靈成長或人生勵志的文字，總是讓我像對村上春樹的文字一樣，冷感；還有頓時莫名出現的青少女叛逆，想著心靈自然會成長（Natural Approach?）、人生自己會激活（Activation Theory?），何需那些自以為心靈完滿、人生光明的成功人士來教我用什麼情緒、什麼態度、什麼角度去怎麼思考、怎麼行事、怎麼過活？現在想想，還是堅決以為如此，年紀輕輕時，就叛逆點。不屑交青春粉嫩的同齡女友就自己打手槍，不願寫學校制式的樣板文章就上自己部落格亂入。等到有些人生體悟，看某些可能形塑人心的文字，會比較有判斷或有感觸。

書摘會陸陸續續一直補充打上來，若沒有機會了，就是緣分盡了（大誤）。

Harsh laughed. "So why do you think it worked? Why did people do all those things they normally wouldn't do? Why would they do things they would be embarrassed to see themselves doing?"

"I don't know!" I said. "I was wondering the whole time how you did it!"

"Actually, it's pretty simple. Other than the hypnotic relaxation mumbo-jumbo, I essentially did only one thing up there tonight. I momentarily tripped the volunteers of their self-awareness by preventing them from being able to answer the question 'Who am I being right now?'" Harsh paused and chuckled. "You see, if they could have answered that question, their internal dialogue would have sounded something like 'Oh, my gosh, I'm acting like Madonna up here, and the crowd is laughing at me!' or 'I'm dancing' like a chicken in front of strangers!' or 'I'm screaming something embarrassing at the top of my lungs!' But you see, they couldn't answer that question because I took away their ability to do so."

"How? How'd you do that?" I asked.

"I simply took away the three reference points every person needs in order to be self-aware. First, I told them to stop paying attention to their thoughts and feelings. Second, I told them to stop paying attention to feedback from the outside world, to pretend the crowd wasn't even there. Third and most important, I told them who they were, in this case Madonna or a chicken."

"That's it?" I asked. "That's all it took?"

"That's it, and that's powerful. Think about it. If you are unaware of the world within you - your internal thoughts and feelings - and you are unaware of the world around you - how people perceive you and your behavior - then you don't have the ability to answer the question 'Who am I being right now?' Because you judge who you are at any point in time by your thoughts and feelings as well as by what other people are thinking and feeling about you. Follow me?"

"I think so...." I paused to digest the discussion. "So you're saying that to be self-aware," I continued, "you have to know what's going on in your internal world and you have to know what's going on in the world around you?"

"Close," Harsh said. "Don't forget the third reference point. To be self-aware you also need to know who you are. You have to have in internal standard for who you are or who you want to be. This is the most important reference point in self-awareness. Think of it as a three-legged stool. You can know your internal thoughts and feelings. And you can get feedback from the world. But if you don't have an internal standard for who you are to compare that information to, you aren't self-aware. In other words, you have to take your thoughts and feelings and the feedback you are receiving from other people and you have to ask yourself, 'Are my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors supporting who I want to be?'"

Harsh examined my face. "Get it? Self-awareness is all about paying attention to the world within us and the world around us and then using that information to decide whether we need to change our consciousness or conduct, what we're thinking, or what we're doing. Does that make sense?"

這一段話，頓時讓我當作故事書來讀的自救書，變成了一記當頭棒。因為，從來就把所謂 gender equality 以及 raising people's awareness of gender equality 當作是 an internal standard of who I am and who I want to be；這樣的自我意識的原則與準的，深深影響我的想法、情緒、行事和待人，深深操縱著我要變成怎樣的我這條人生曲路，也同時深深操弄著我希冀外界怎麼看我是誰。

所以，高張的自我意識讓我無法對任何 (senior) male figures 真正服氣「聽話」，對誰都沒真正聽進去過。回想起小阿姨－似是全家最快樂的人－前陣子的 MSN 對話，簡單扼要列出我的人生三太多：「書讀太多、想太多、顧忌太多」，還有「無知便是福」的喟嘆，最後是銀狐哥哥說的「由愛故生憂﹐由愛故生怖。若離於愛者﹐無憂亦無怖。也就是，不愛的人最大！」這麼高張的 self-awareness，是不是選擇靜一靜，好讓自己真正變成最大的，才知道怎麼下一步？